We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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