how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My bed smells like the plague
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
