Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
