The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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