I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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