Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
