Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
