I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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