Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This girl is more easily done than said...
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
