you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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