Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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