I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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