youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
