My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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