Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
