I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
