my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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