nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
