He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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