Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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