Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
