maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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