apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
