the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
