I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
