your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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