Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
someone owes me an orgasm
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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