your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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