She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
