nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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