i would punch a child for taco bell
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
