i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
