you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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