I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Found the puke drawer
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
