My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
