you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
