Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
