since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
