Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
