Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
