He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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