How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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