Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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