i just had sex bonerless
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
