Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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