you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
