He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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