thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
