A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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