Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
