He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
