I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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