So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
