I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
