I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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