No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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