my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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