she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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